Up, Down

I am on the world's most terrifying rollercoaster! Heartbreak, Soulbreak, Spirtitbreak... I don't wanna feel this shit anymore! I feel manic, like I truly am losing my mind. This morning has just bled it's way to sunrise from another restless night. Jj and Brody have been pacing all night long, leaving so many messes in their misery. We are all so exhausted from following behind them to make sure they stay as clean as possible, it is so not their fault, they are kings of the house in our eyes. Tuesday is my last day with my Cactus Kitty Parana Dog, Jj. Just keep swimming till Tuesday. As I publicly (sorta, no one reads this anyway) vomit my ups and downs about my heartbreak, I'm sure He is living it up in another's bed, getting high and fucking till dawn. I hate him, I love him, I miss him, I loathe him....it is all too much man. Jj....JJ !!! How could he do this to me?! The whole family!?!? He really thinks he wasn't part of this tribe?! How?! It wasn't just ME he left and heart he broke! He ripped a huge wedge into the fold when he left! My son was wanting to carry his last name! He never called anyone Dad until him! He broke my son's heart and made him feel unworthy of his name! My father was in love with the man he wanted his daughter to marry. My father knew I would be ok with Nathan, gave him comfort know that when he died, I would be ok because I had Nathan! Oh, my poor mom...see, she always wanted a son. She found a son in him! I catch her crying sometimes, like when she will find something that she thinks Nathan would like....she gets it anyway, it's like she too holds onto a shred of hope he will return home, like she has to hold onto hope because the pain of believing he doesn't care for us is too much for her to bear. Everyone here is lost, wondering around looking for that missing puzzle piece that makes the masterpiece of our family whole, Him. Damn the up, down! Hurt, sad, angry, pissed off, loneliness, abandonment, hate, agony.....LOVE! This is a ride not for the weak...this is going to kill me,

I have no doubt.