The Ugly Side of Healing - on the side

 There are days that I can never be rid of. PTSD terrors are just a part of everyday life now. Some are those days I wish I hadn't shed so much blood (oh youth). Then..... There are those I wish I had not bled so much. There are days that make me weep or seethe with rage.... Some make me laugh or mourn....more often than not it's the latter.  These days my nights have become darker than I've known. Not because I am depressed or lonely (which I am! Very much so!).... No....  it's darker now because of the thing I've been gifted/cursed with. A task. I had 2 NDEs...this last one I came back with extra sight and given a stern warning to not opt out again. You listen when God is stern....I'll never forget it nor will I try that again. My Guide...my Guardian...he woke me up slow but in a hurry, if that makes sense. Now I'm trying to figure out pathways to each soul/spirit and how to guide them correctly.  I'm terrified to lead them the wrong direction...and th...

I thought I was on a journey to find one that was my one.  I was so mistaken. In one man I found the thing that saved me. I saw a future with Love instead of Death by Heroin. 20 years of that Hell...then Him. I chose Him. He chose Heroin.  I felt myself slip into a warm bath of comfortable understanding when I attempted to take my life. Oh warm darkness so quiet and purity.  Then light of belonging I never remembered having before that moment. A moment I remembered it all again. It's remembering.... Not gaining knowledge.... When we die. So through all the shity days, months and years since everything flipped outside-up and inside-down..... I found an old book I left on a secret shelf in my heart. It read to me the story of a diamond.  2 souls of coal that love and pressure ignited a diamond. He pressed a Diamond in my belly. And I owe Him my everything and every breath since. My journey has been to Him this whole time. Not for me. For a Diamond looking f...

   Sometimes, you find a gem in a pond of ashes. You don't even notice it's value to you very existence until maturity polishes it to full bright light that demands to be seen. And the sometimes...... You knew what you had the whole time. But love this deep and primal can clash so hard it creates craters that rage and hiss. Then you can do nothing but watch them leave and love them enough to let them go. I loved you from the moment I saw you. We were two fused to one with pure rage and passion. I remember the gravity gave way when we made love. You said," Whoa, did you feel that?" I looked you in you soul as it glistened through those teary blue pools of my everything and said, " Yeah baby...I did." We wept after these sessions that would go on for days...in a garage with our music blasting. I will love you till eternity gives way to nothing. Bet I find a way to love you through nothing too. Thank you for being the love of my life and giving me a son that is...

My last living grandparent died yesterday.... I didn't even make the obituary as a remaining grandchild.... It is concrete.... I do not exist

It is time for me to let you completely go. No longer will I hold onto hope or speak of you at all. I am completely satisfied that I fought the best fight to save us....but I was the only one fighting for love. I bow out. I am moving on.

Maybe someday this will all make sense and I will forget You. Someday I will be able to wake up and You won't be my first thought.....but for now, I still love You so much that I don't understand. How can I love the one who hurt me the most? How can I still love a ghost?